Jokes - HeartSpeaks

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. “But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”

“Quiet!” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say,”

“And I said be quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you, the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding so he’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the guy in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

______________________________________

TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:     Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:      No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

How to Copy

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience. He Said : "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!" The audience was in silence and shock.
The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!"

Laughter and applause.

A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink. He said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"

The wife went; "ah!" with shock and rage.
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "....and I can't remember who she was!"

By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing burns from boiling water

An old-man who cannot lie

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"

"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"

"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I cannot lie."

"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'.

The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented imself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?

"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son", he replied.

Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"

The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father."